Whose fault?

Sometimes, people think that by blaming themselves or others, issues get resolved! Does it actually stop there?

Every Monday afternoon, I get to take some time off because that’s how things work in this school. I especially asked for Monday in particular because that’s when a ‘friend’ has her day off as well. If you think about friendship the way I do, I asked for the same day off because then I can get to spend some time with this ‘friend’! It was so good to begin with! We always did and planned things to do together. It was so much fun and I had something to look forward to!

Things changed!! She is leaving school this year and I am the last one she wants to spend Monday with!

You know how when someone offers to do something with you and you are like, ‘Oh yeah! That will be nice!’ and you also know someone else is free at that time too so you say ‘Oh so-and-so can join us! She’s free too!!’ Yeah? That NEVER happens to me!! I’m invisible, unseen, non existant!!! Friends!!! Really? Is there such a thing?!? People who treat you nicely when they need you but treat you like nothing when they have other people around!!

And then these ‘friends’ come over and say ‘ Don’t you take responsibility too?’ For what? Being human and feeling left out and used??!! Oh yeah! I do… It’s my fault! Always is!!!

This is why I would rather be on my own! It gives my heart a rest from being broken and my eyes from swelling because of a sleepless night!!

People who have known me for many years, know I am someone who loves writing little notes to people to make their day special, remembering birthdays so that I can send a card or just being there helping out when I can. People who’ve known me a few months here call me ‘patronizing!! They can’t stress enough how different our personalities are and that’s why spending time with me is more a waste of time than anything else!! So much for asking for the same afternoon off!! Doesn’t really work when no one wants to be with you!!

So this is what I do instead… blog about it through tears, again, so that I can get it off my chest! Order in lunch and binge on Netflix before I take a nap to make up for the sleep I did not have last night!!

Friends? What’s that? They don’t exist in my life!!! At least not the ones who I thought carried that title and it’s always my fault!

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The life of an introvert…

For as long as I can remember, I have been a shy and reserved person – an introvert mostly. I love my own space and enjoy me-time a lot. I enjoy being with people too but when it is more than 2 people, it just gets overwhelming and I move into the background again. This happens time and again and living in a boarding school and in community, it is bound to happen more often than not!

Introverts don’t choose to be introverts! It’s the way we are all wired within ourselves. We have our reservations and there is absolutely nothing wrong in being like that!

I enjoy having people around me… the ones I am comfortable with. However, it does take me a while before I can get comfortable with someone.

Chatting with other introverts is the most comfortable I can get… mostly because they ‘get’ what you are saying and have been through the same situations and felt the same way I have! They see me for me! I don’t have to pretend to be what I am not.

This afternoon was just like that… I met up with a friend for coffee and I was able to move from one topic to another with such ease – I guess I kind of shocked myself too! She is an introvert too and chatting with her was so encouraging. It made me realise that no matter what I said or felt at that moment, she understood and was not judgmental at all… It was comforting.

As a teacher, you are automatically expected to be someone who is outgoing and lively and out there!! That is such a wrong notion people have! Teachers don’t necessarily have to be extroverts or out going people. You can be an introvert and still be a brilliant teacher!

At the end of the day, introverts are humans too, with feelings and emotions. We can joke and have fun and be silly but with a select few… everyday we take baby steps to do things outside our comfort zone. Baby steps!! Even those steps take a lot of effort and courage but sometimes we are in situations where we don’t have a choice.

Some people tend to see introverts as misfits and outcasts or just plain snobs! Funny but I sometimes think that extroverts are loud, rude and obnoxious!! So, I guess these notions work both ways…

I think to remove these wrong notions, people should make more of an effort to get to know people better, to take the time to understand them and to give each other a chance! How wonderful it would be if we could all live in harmony together. Extroverts and introverts!! In another 150 years perhaps… when there’s another Blue moon? 😊😉

#LifeOfAnIntrovert

When loneliness becomes your only friend…

I am wearing my heart on my sleeve when I write this… but thought I’d share my thoughts and feelings just in case someone else is going through this too…

My days recently have been lonely and filled with feelings of being unwanted and unloved! Such a heart breaking place to be.

I still long so much for a friend with whom I can chat and laugh and just be me! Someone I can turn to when the going gets tough and who knows that she can do the same with me! The friend I thought I had here has changed and become distant. I no longer feel I can share a friendship with her! I guess that is what happens with people. They change and give up on you. It’s hard! It’s even harder when you are a Christian and you live in a Christian community. Expectations are higher I think! You watch people laugh and chat and have fun and all you can feel is left out and unwanted! No one calls you to join them in conversation nor do they join you if you are sitting alone! Even if you are a part of a group, they are all so busy with each other that their backs are turned to you or they don’t even make eye contact with you like they aren’t talking to you and you can only feel INVISIBLE.

Through times like these my constant strength and reminder of my worth has come from God and His Word. I use these times of being alone to talk to Him and pour out my heart to Him. If anyone has been through what I am going through, it is Him. So He understands. It’s the only way that I get through every day…

I still miss having a friend though… just that one friend!

For the love of Scrabble…

When you think of English teachers, you think of parts of speech, figurative language, poetry and all these other aspects of the Language! As an English teacher, I like to think of words!! These little marks you put on paper or sound out to eventually actually mean something! I love that!!

Words can be instruments of play for an English teacher and an English student! Play with words to form sentences and you can use the same set of words to form different sentences as well as different meanings!

My love for a good game of Scrabble has grown over the years and I try to find as many ways as possible to play a game be it virtually or with another person!

I thank my Grandma for this love of the game! When I visited her in Australia recently after about 20 years, her face lit up when I asked her if she was up for a game or two! At the ripe, young age of 97 she is still as feisty as ever when it comes to Scrabble! Imagine the expression of a 97 year old Grandma who has always had a way with words, hear her Granddaughter say the word Scrabble!! A moment that melts your heart!

Last night I played Scrabble with another Scrabble ‘addict’ after what seems like several months and relished every moment of it! What we also did was make up a story as we placed the tiles on the board to form words! That was fun and hilarious! It went something like this… Pixies and Badger wore a kilt and a pink shoe and got in a snag while on a loaf on a curve… 😂

Scrabble and the English Language are not all about the scores, poetry or parts of speech! They are about words, igniting your imagination and just having fun!

What helps you take your mind off things that happen on a bad day?

I have a bad day ever so often… I think we all do. However, how we react to it is what counts. To take my mind off, I resort to photography, reading and Bible journalling. Mostly it is photography. While reading is fun and Bible journalling reveals my creative side and I have some ‘God and me’ time, Photography takes me to another world and it makes me so happy.

I’ve been told several times over that I am very observant and notice the little things that many people overlook. I actually pride myself with the comment. And yes, I do think that being observant is a virtue that I have. I guess, I like to enjoy the little things, no matter how little because it is the many little things that together create/make the bigger things or bigger picture. God took all of 6 days to create the world we live in but He did a little at a time.

When I have my camera with me, it is JUST my camera and I! Together we capture the different aspects of what this world is made of and when these aspects are all put together, it is just gorgeous! We often and I’d say too often, we focus on the all the bad things that happen in this world, wars, natural disasters, politicians, crummy relationships and so many other things. Because we focus so much on these, we fail to see the good in the world – New life, new beginnings, the variety of colours, good friendships, love, hope, kindness and generosity… and again, so many other things!

I think the next time you are having a crummy day, replace your negative/sad thoughts with the good thoughts… get out of the house or office or wherever you are and look at the beautiful world around you, the smiles that are probably not returned, an old lady who needs a helping hand to cross the road or with her groceries… believe me, even if it doesn’t happen then and there,your good deeds will come back to you threefold! These are sure to brighten up your day… or if like, like me, get your camera out and capture the beauty in what we call home! 🙂

Have a fabulous day wherever you are!

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When Life Takes Over

Wow! It’s been ages since my very first post! Perhaps that is because Life actually took over! Being a part of a boarding school is a 24/7 job and even though it gets so busy, I still love it!

So much has happened since January this year… In a nutshell, I now have a new dorm of girls to look after, I am teaching English in the Middle School (as compared to previously teaching in the Primary school) and I have many more friends because of the new staff that joined this year!! Yes, Life has taken over!

The place I currently call HOME! ❤

My favourite bird – the Horned Bulbul

At the same time though, I have had the opportunity to explore the beautiful countryside that I live in and I am in awe of how CREATIVE our God is!! Every tiny, intricate detail has been taken care of and we have been put in charge of this creation! How special that makes me feel! I’ve been entrusted with looking after what my Loving God created!! ❤

So, when Life takes over, remember how special you are to the one that made you and the world around you! You have been chosen by Him and are His precious child!

 

All Good Things Come To An End!

Two weeks down the line, I have to head back to school and back to what I know as the normal life of a teacher! I’ve enjoyed the holidays, from being in Mumbai for Christmas, Ooty for New Year’s and in Bangalore for the rest of the holiday. Tomorrow I return to Ooty with the realisation that all good things come to an end!

I don’t know if I am looking forward to being back in school! On the one hand, I have been getting bored and waiting to be able to get back to routine and on the other hand I don’t know if that’s the routine I want to get back to! At the same time, I know God is working in my life and I can slowly see His plan unravelling and that is the excitement that will keep me going!

So, even though all good things come to an end, there are better things to come and for me to look forward to!

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A beautiful sunset in Ooty! How magnificent are the works of His hands!