Whose fault?

Sometimes, people think that by blaming themselves or others, issues get resolved! Does it actually stop there?

Every Monday afternoon, I get to take some time off because that’s how things work in this school. I especially asked for Monday in particular because that’s when a ‘friend’ has her day off as well. If you think about friendship the way I do, I asked for the same day off because then I can get to spend some time with this ‘friend’! It was so good to begin with! We always did and planned things to do together. It was so much fun and I had something to look forward to!

Things changed!! She is leaving school this year and I am the last one she wants to spend Monday with!

You know how when someone offers to do something with you and you are like, ‘Oh yeah! That will be nice!’ and you also know someone else is free at that time too so you say ‘Oh so-and-so can join us! She’s free too!!’ Yeah? That NEVER happens to me!! I’m invisible, unseen, non existant!!! Friends!!! Really? Is there such a thing?!? People who treat you nicely when they need you but treat you like nothing when they have other people around!!

And then these ‘friends’ come over and say ‘ Don’t you take responsibility too?’ For what? Being human and feeling left out and used??!! Oh yeah! I do… It’s my fault! Always is!!!

This is why I would rather be on my own! It gives my heart a rest from being broken and my eyes from swelling because of a sleepless night!!

People who have known me for many years, know I am someone who loves writing little notes to people to make their day special, remembering birthdays so that I can send a card or just being there helping out when I can. People who’ve known me a few months here call me ‘patronizing!! They can’t stress enough how different our personalities are and that’s why spending time with me is more a waste of time than anything else!! So much for asking for the same afternoon off!! Doesn’t really work when no one wants to be with you!!

So this is what I do instead… blog about it through tears, again, so that I can get it off my chest! Order in lunch and binge on Netflix before I take a nap to make up for the sleep I did not have last night!!

Friends? What’s that? They don’t exist in my life!!! At least not the ones who I thought carried that title and it’s always my fault!

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2 thoughts on “Whose fault?

  1. Hmm, tough situation. When it comes to relationships, there’s definitely a two-way road. They did wrong, you did wrong, maybe they were more wrong, maybe you were more wrong. It’s tough to know when there’s nothing really clear. Maybe that’s how she handles separation that’s painful. Maybe she showed some signs. Maybe there was something that she hated or was hurt and just decided to cut it altogether. You’d never know. Or maybe one day she’ll just drop a message and say what went wrong.
    Have you considered making friends other than in the school? Maybe parents’ neighbor, or some people who stay close to the school. You can even try online forums on different topics. Go to some group meetings where you can. Could be on anything. I go for language group meetings, and sometimes even business networking events (and that’s where I met one of my close friends). You’ll be surprised how many cool people you’ll come across. Just remember that they have their perspective on things too. We may cross the extra mile for someone, but that someone may not either be brave or interested to cross that mile. And that’s okay. You just need to decide then how deep you want your relationship with that person to be.
    I don’t know if you are in a relationship with a man yet, but trust me, those are even more complicated, to say the least (eye-roll).

    1. Thanks for the comment! Yeah! It’s pretty difficult! Making friends doesn’t come easy to me because I am so introverted. But when I do make friends, I treat them like family. So, when they decide that they’ve had enough of me, it’s pretty hard emotionally. I teach in a boarding school and stay on site, so making friends out of school is tough. It’s either the people in community or none at all! I’ve got back into penaplling snail mail so that is keeping me occupied for now. Still hard though because it’s not the same thing! I treasure people I call my friends, it’s just not mutual… so I’ll just live with that!

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